The Great Gecko Escape of 2008

So apparently my friend Jessica thinks I’m compatible with anyone who’s ‘nice’ and ‘has a job.’ Which is how I ended up spending my Friday night listening to a very detailed explanation of bearded dragon shedding cycles.

The Great Gecko Escape of 2008

This is my face during hour two of reptile facts. I’m pretty sure he didn’t notice.

Let me paint you a picture: this guy - let’s call him Steve because that was literally his name - had THREE different photos of his iguanas saved on his phone. And he showed me ALL of them. Multiple times. I learned more about terrarium humidity levels than I ever wanted to know.

The exact moment I realized this wasn’t going well

This is me texting my roommate that I had a ‘family emergency’ that required immediate attention.

I’ve officially mastered the art of the bathroom escape text, people. Step one: excuse yourself politely. Step two: send dramatic SOS to designated rescue friend. Step three: return to table with appropriately concerned expression about your ‘sick grandmother.’ Step four: make your exit with dignity intact.

Crafting the perfect emergency text to my roommate

And this is me walking out into the sweet taste of freedom.

I’m taking a break from being set up. From now on, if I’m going to meet someone, it’s going to be organic. No more blind dates, no more ‘he’s perfect for you’ setups. I’d rather be single than sit through another dissertation on proper cricket feeding schedules. Sorry Jessica, but your matchmaking license has been officially revoked!