Pattern recognition

Cleaned up all the anniversary planning stuff today and had one of those uncomfortable moments where you see yourself clearly.

The evidence of my overthinking spread across the coffee table

All these lists and backup plans and contingency schedules spread across the coffee table, and I’m thinking - when did I become the person who plans around someone else’s life instead of planning a life together?

Not that Jake asked me to do that. He didn’t. But somewhere along the way I started treating his schedule like the immovable object and mine like the thing that bends to fit around it. His work calls, his project deadlines, his preferred restaurants. Even picked the mountain town because I knew he’d be more comfortable there than at the beach resort I actually wanted.

The weird part is how natural it felt.

Pattern recognition

Like I didn’t even notice I was doing it until I was sitting here looking at evidence of my own accommodation patterns. Three years of small adjustments that add up to… what exactly? I love him, that’s not the question. But I’m starting to wonder if I’ve been so focused on making this work that I forgot to ask if it’s working for me.

Maybe that’s what happens when you’re used to solving other people’s problems for a living. You start thinking your own needs are just another variable to manage.